Bad Person Spotlight: 'Liberals'

I’ve always known liberals were bad people, but I wasn’t aware of the depth of their badness until recently.

I had a nice piece written up highlighting Gore Vidal as the inaugural entry into the Good Person List, but having been privy to the spectacular bullshit liberals have been championing lately, I realized that the mainstream American ‘left’ (and my use of that term is generous) doesn’t know or really care about Gore Vidal, or even leftist politics in general. No—if liberals had any sense of history they might have recognized the loss of the man who came out in support of gay rights a full 60 years before our yuppie president gave his cop-out remarks (but more on that later). But it’s ok: they have Lawrence O’Donnell and Rachel Maddow to inspire them to take up arms in protest of the egregious practices of a fast-food company that sells chicken sandwiches.

At first I, too, was angry: those monsters at Chick-Fil-A had gone all ‘Soylent Green’ and started grinding up gay people to make their delicious chicken products! But then I stopped watching MSNBC and discovered that their CEO donated to organizations that lobby against gay marriage. Wow, imagine that. A very rich, southern evangelical white man spends money in opposition to gay marriage—that is unprecedented to the POINT. OF. OUTRAGE. Snore. Liberals are so concerned with this fast-food company that they have organized boycotts and even tried to deny it operating licenses in their cities. However, when faced with issues like the extension of the Bush tax cuts, staggering wealth inequality, or draconian expansions of state police power, liberals always make themselves scarce. Huh. I wonder why that might be.

Maybe it’s because liberals suck. Yeah, that must be it.

Oh liberals, you suck so much—let’s discuss some particulars.

If liberals truly cared about marriage equality, why did they applaud Obama’s incredibly vacuous statement that he supports allowing gay men and women to marry…but agreed it is ultimately up to the states to decide for themselves?

Ah, but no one paid attention to that part of Obama’s interview. It’s up the states huh, Mr. President, the same jurisdictions that up until the National Guard forced them to stop, systematically denied black men and women access to any substantive form of political or economic power? These, the same despotic mini-nations that allowed husbands to rape their wives for over two centuries, who refused to prosecute the murders of racial and sexual minorities are supposed to decide fairly whether or not GAY men and women (emphasis on the GAY part) are to have equal access to publically-sanctioned marriage? Does ‘Jim Crow’ mean ANYTHING to you? Good GOD, Obama is a bad man. But even worse are those who fawned over him after he ‘came out’ in favor of gay marriage—it was almost as if they actually thought he was going to DO something about it. Silly liberals.

Why didn’t liberals notice Obama’s double-speak? Because they don’t listen—they’re too busy sorting plastics to realize recycling is actually bad for the environment and environmentalism, too self-righteousness to learn that fair-trade further entrenches corporate power and exploitation, and too self-absorbed with their eco-friendly business plans to come to terms with how fake and vacuous they have become. Liberals are consumers of the worst variety; they’ve been buying shit for so long that the only resistance they can mount to the bad things going on in the world is TO BUY DIFFERENT SHIT. Fake, fake, fakery—bullshit, shit, shittery: the creed of the liberal.

I would rather entertain the Phelps family over dinner FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE than have to sit at breakfast with yuppie liberals and discuss marketing strategies for their INCREDIBLY NOVEL organic food products. At least the Phelps family is real—they’re following through with the whole hating gays thing. I can’t say the same for liberals who will drink from Obama’s hypocritical Kool-aid into the drone-bombed sunset.

Liberals are the sort who would rather prattle on about atheism, mocking and ridiculing religious folk than find common ground to resist the exploitation to which they are both subjected. Liberals critique religion only to REAPPROPRIATE THE SAME EPISTEMOLOGICAL PARADIGM and subject good people to CONTEMPT AND DERISION. Liberals are so convinced of the centrality of their own ideas that they become fascist enablers of violence and exploitation.

Liberals killed Jesus, assassinated Gandhi, canceled Arrested Development, cut down the ocean, polluted the rainforests, murdered Christmas, exonerated Hitler, and freed the Titans. But worst of all, they hate America.